The Operation

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids."

The Irishman

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty's
Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls
him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

Everything's Big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

"Don't flush, don't flush!"

Tough to get old

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his recent physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and as empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, "What happened?"

The man explained: "Well doc, its like this-- first I tried with my right hand but nothing. The I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand and then with her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth and then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."