Hillary and Janet

Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he was last."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly as a mud fence) does not mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

To which Janet replied, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might, tense, and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him. She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sound you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and said, "Janet, is that you?"

The Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"

Fifty Years

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

If at first you don't succeed

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"