The Lawyer & The Redneck

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get over
on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The
redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask
me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth
to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air
phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck
and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Cop Humor

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Policeman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Policeman fumed, 'What's with those guys? We have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman yelled out 'Get moving, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper, maybe he can do something about this'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Policeman said, 'Why the hell don't they play at night?'

Cojones de Toro

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

The Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e-m y-t e s t-r e s u l t s-b a c k ? '

The Drunken Businessman

Peter is relaxing after work one day in a bar on the top floor of a New York skyscraper. While he's sipping his drink, another man approaches him. He looks like an average guy; suit, tie, glasses, and he's pretty drunk.

"Hey," says the guy. "I'll give you fifty dollars to jump out that window and jump back in." The man points to an open window not far off.

Peter looks at the man like he's crazy. "No thanks, I think I'll just sit and enjoy my drink." The man shrugs and wanders off.

About 30 minutes later, the man returns. Now he's even more drunk; his tie has been loosened, his hat is gone, and he's starting to slur. "Hey," he says. "I'll give you...five hunnert dollars to jump out that window and jump back in."

Now Peter is getting irritated. "No, please leave me alone." The man shrugs and wanders off again.

Twenty minutes later, the man returns yet again. Now he's REALLY drunk; his glasses are broken, there's a burn hole in his suit, and he's wearing his tie around his head. "Hey, I'll giff you five...hic.....THOUSAND dollerz to jub' out 'at window.....and jum' baggin." Now Peter is mad, and just wants to get rid of this drunkard. "Tell you what," he says. "You do it first and I'll do it for free."

The drunk man thinks for a second, and then stumbles over to the window, jumps out and jumps back in. Shocked, Peter thinks to himself, "If this drunk asshole can do it, surely I can." So Peter walks over to the window, takes a deep breath, and jumps out the window. He quickly falls to his death.

The drunk man is standing by the bar, chuckling to himself. The bartender looks at him and says, "You sure are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."