Saving her hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes‚ I know‚" said the lady‚ "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ "Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The Warden

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

Lord Of The Rings

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Bailout

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. Give me all your money.

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?" The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"

Grandpa

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn.

It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here; hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' replied gramps, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little jerk's name is Johnny.'

The Pregnant Blond

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more. She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!

The Salesman

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His First day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65?! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy makeup for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40, please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That' s right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Naked Truth

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

So he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Bear & Rabbit

So once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit walking through the forest and they bumped into a fairy and she said "I'll give you both three wishes."

So the bear goes "Ok I wish every bear in this forest was a girl except for me."

So the fairy grants it.

Then the rabbit goes "I wish for a helmet!"

So she grants it.

Then the bear goes "I wish every bear in the USA was a girl except for me."

So the fairy grants it. Then the rabbit goes, "I wish for a fast motorcycle."

She grants it.

Then on the last one the bear goes "I wish every bear in the world was a girl except for me." Then the rabbit goes "I wish this bear was gay."

The fairy grants it and the rabbit rides off.

What Not To Say

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The Trucker

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

Brazilian

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

The Lawyer & The Redneck

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get over
on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The
redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask
me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth
to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air
phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck
and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Cop Humor

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Policeman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Policeman fumed, 'What's with those guys? We have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman yelled out 'Get moving, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper, maybe he can do something about this'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Policeman said, 'Why the hell don't they play at night?'